Insecurity

It was a floor rug with the alphabet on it. The songs were everything from Guns 'N Roses to Salt 'N Pepper. We made up dance routines every day, as long as they allowed us. She standing on one side of the rug with her long auburn hair, the latest cute outfit and all the little boys watching her. As she danced and twirled from one end to the next she looked angelic. Then came my portion of the routine. I would as gracefully as possible twirl and leap in the air. More often than not my feet would cross and I looked more like I was playing leap frog instead of leaping like a ballerina.




She was my best friend but I always felt insecure in her presence. It was 1986. I was age 6.





I have to wonder, what would our world be like without insecurity in it? We are studying Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity on Wednesday nights in church and I could not have asked the Lord for a better study at this time in my life.



For I fear I am the most insecure I have ever been. More so than that little girl standing to the side.



Bo-Peep Daycare is the first time I remember having insecurity- 6 years old. 25 years later and I still have it.



As the years passed and I became older and grew into myself, I came to embrace my individuality but the insecurity lingered/lingers.



My insecurities now run the range of how do I look in this outfit-will they snicker? Will they judge me for not living in a house but an apartment? Am I raising Ethan as good as I possibly can?





The word is a noun 1. lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt





My insecurity has played a crucial part in so many aspects of my life. From my past relationships to my relationship with my parents.





I wish I had a magic wand like Abby Cadabby in Seaseme Street to wave and make this all disappear.



Funny thing is I do have something that is even better to wave- my God. Our God. Your God. I have started praying for the Lord to remind me and let me keep in my mind eye that I am wonderfully made in His image. Why should I have insecurities in myself when I think about that? Pretty fantastic when you think about it. He loves us so much that He made us in His image, breathed life into us.





Next time I start having a panic attack at the thought of having walk up front for communion- I will stop and remember that the Lord perfectly made me. My insecurity is nothing shy of Satan trying to play with my mind and draw me back from the Lord and my walk with him.